This morning as I read the news, I saw that another state moved to end indoor worship services in several counties and urged all other houses of worship not to engage in congregational singing. In the piece, a national Baptist leader declared that while “I get the public health order, from that aspect,” he opposed the action because “it is an infringement on our religious freedom” and “it’s overreach on the government’s part.”
And that’s when something in me snapped. Maybe that pastor’s correct. Any government order — even if done for health purposes — must be resisted in the name of religious liberty.
So, I hopped in my car and went straight to my church with the righteousness of Josiah, determined to remove from the Lord’s house any articles showing our submission to the CDC and county health department.
Once in, I scooped up the sanitizer bottles by the front door. The same people warning us against singing told us to put those bottles in our holy place. Perhaps the chemicals seep into our brains to sedate our resistance. Next time I visit Costco I plan to buy some bottles of olive oil as a replacement since that’s a more biblical kind of anointing.
As I scanned the room to decide what other health idols should be burned with the sanitizer, the neon sign above the door assaulted my eyes. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? It’s not just that it’s the color of hell’s flames. But this government-mandated message is literally telling people to leave our churches. Fortunately, I had brought my hammer with me, so I grabbed a chair and imagined myself as Moses against the golden calf.
From the chair, I realized there were more exit signs as the government wolves attempt to lead our sheep straight to the door. This might take longer than I expected.
A couple demolished signs later, I saw a different kind of sign saying how many people were allowed in the building. Really? We’re going to limit God? If the Spirit brings them in, ain’t no government going to stop us!
Outside the nursery I saw forms for volunteers to fill out that include authorizing a background check. Jesus didn’t let Herod approve the disciples so why would we submit to government spying on our people? The papers must go.
Later I noticed a map of the church also telling people how to leave the building. These goons are relentless! I picked up the frame above my head like Moses with the tablets and tossed it down. The only map we need in life is the Bible!
As I held that Marxist map over my head, I noticed the little demon spokes sneaking out of the ceiling. Sprinklers? Not on my watch! After all, we’re Baptists. We immerse.
A little later as water poured down from several places above me, I noticed the red box on the hallway wall. After a few hits I put it out of commission. I knew it had been an important idol to remove because the whole hallway filled with the shrieking of a demon. So, I hunted down a few more of these red boxes. They said “pull” but I wasn’t going to fall for that propaganda.
A headache started from all the demon noise and the flashing lights. So, I decided to head outside, though I hit a few of those lights on the way just be safe. We are the light of the world, not some government bulb on the wall.
By the door I snatched the fire extinguisher. We’re already fireproof; we’re going to heaven!
As I started walking down the ramp outside, I found it annoying how long it took. Why can’t we just have steps like God intended. I made a note to rent a jackhammer. And maybe a power saw of some sort to take out the hand railing. I lean on Jesus alone!
A couple of firetrucks blared their horns down the street. Huh, there must be a fire somewhere.
Having already spent longer on the mission than I anticipated, I decided to return home. Once in my car I instinctively started to pull that government-mandated strap across my chest. But then I realized that the opposite of liberty is being tied down. Not today, Satan!
Feeling completely liberated, I ignored the black numbers suggested on the white signs, and I floored it as that familiar red, neon glow flicked on up ahead at the intersection.
Although my head hurts, as I now think about it there might have been a truck coming from the side as I barreled past the stoplight.
And that’s the last thing I remember until I woke up handcuffed to this hospital bed.